1.                MATCHING EXPECTATIONS WITH REALITY

The first hints that reality did not match fantasy

As a teenager in the mid 1970’s, I had relatively easy access to books that gave me both sexual knowledge and an insight into eroticism.  So that even before I had sex for the first time, I had gained the impression from books and films that sex would be sensationally pleasurable.

One of the first books with any sexual content that I remember reading was 'Catherine' by Juliet Benzoni.  In fact, the sex scenes were short and well spaced.  Most of the story revolved around the reader’s hopeful anticipation of the next sexual encounter.  Catherine was passionate (with the ever-absent hero of the piece) but reluctant when confronted with other less desirable lovers (as in the harem scenes).  I never questioned why the same sexual act could give rise to very different emotions in a woman depending on the context of the relationship whereas men appeared to enjoy sex whatever the circumstances.  Another book was set in the days when Negro women were kept as sexual chattels for the physical gratification of the white American landowners.  Although I found this book conceptually erotic (as it was intended to be), I also appreciated that in reality the sexual episodes would be extremely unpleasant for the women involved.  It is rare to find any formal acknowledgement that it is much less common for a man to be exploited through sex.

I also read 'Everything you ever wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask’ by D Reuben, which was humorous and an excellent source of definitions. It described sex in the broad context of what goes on inside brothels and adventurous bedrooms.  The phenomenon of fetishes for physical objects was just one aspect of sex highlighted by the book.  The phenomenon of fetishes (primarily associated with men) also gave me the impression that men had a stronger and more physical interest in sex relative to women.  Only later did I realise that in general there is rarely any formal acknowledgement that women might have a fundamentally different response to sexual situations.

Xavier de Hollander's book 'Happy Hooker' told of her experience as a madam of a brothel.  It related (as I remember) her mainly positive experiences of pleasuring men for money.  Once again the inevitable conclusion that men must gain an advantage from sex that required them to compensate women never occurred to me. Although men and women evidently experienced sex quite differently, the consequences of this fact for heterosexual relationships were never explicitly acknowledged.  However, my implicit knowledge that there was a difference helped me later accept that my sexual reactions differed to those of my male lovers.

A Harold Robins novel told the story of a South American playboy.  The novel starts with a brutal rape scene, clearly indicating women’s defencelessness in the face of a physical attack by men.  In the main story, there is a rich American woman who is an independent spirit and has a voracious appetite for sex.  In one scene, the couple has sex in the sea and there is another erotic escapade in the shower.  The woman was apparently sexually insatiable and had orgasms easily and with plenty of gusto.  Both erotic literature and sex manuals appeared to promise women the same overwhelming sensations and orgasm that men gained from sex.

I went to a girls’ school and so, as a young teenager, only met boys at occasional dances.  Being naturally shy, I felt no particular inclination to engage in intimate touching or kissing with a complete stranger.  However, initially I thought it my duty to overcome what I assumed were undesirable inhibitions.  I was disappointed when these encounters were neither passionate nor erotic.  I had expected kissing to be mind-blowingly arousing but I felt nothing.  Even worse, I felt disgusted with myself and with an act that was physically intimate but gave me no personal pleasure.

I missed the point that there is supposed to be some romance and even love involved for the emotional aspects of kissing to come into play. Even in fiction, we can see the difference in men and women’s reactions to sexual situations.  Men seldom have any reason to turn down a sexual opportunity but on the whole (with the exception of stories based on blatant male fantasies such as James Bond) women prefer to have sex with someone they know and like. From these early encounters, I decided that I would not consider sexual interaction with a man until we had developed a relationship based on mutual attraction and friendship.  At eighteen when I met a man I liked and admired, I enjoyed kissing him.

Appreciating that men & women react differently

As I developed into a young woman, I noticed a definite difference in the way men reacted towards me.  Almost overnight, I had become an object of interest.  Gradually I accepted that men would typically approach me in situations where I would not have been motivated to make the same advances towards them.  As long as men were respectful, I considered their endeavours to gain my attention through flattery to be complimentary.  I became accustomed to rejecting these advances since I felt no similar urge to become intimate with a stranger.  However, in a psychological sense, becoming aware of men’s reaction to my body and thinking through the consequences of the male sex drive was the main focus for my initial thoughts about sexual interaction with men.

The concept that sex was great fun was appealing to me but as reality dawned, I instinctively applied caution in my approach to men.  In adolescence, my chief concern was whether I was attractive to the opposite sex.  Then as adulthood loomed, I was more concerned with the morality and the social consequences of my relationships with men.  I certainly had no sense of needing to prove anything by having sex.  When I was seventeen, I found myself in an awkward situation late at night with a single man in his thirties.  Knowing that I was a virgin, he thought I might be curious to find out about sex with a more experienced man.  When I turned down his offer, he jibed me for being sexless, old-fashioned and a coward.

I was unmoved and quite sure that I did not want sex with just anyone.  The truth is that, whatever taunts are thrown out by men looking for a frivolous lay, in the longer term men tend to respect a more picky woman.  A woman who sets personal standards is simply ‘discerning’ rather than ‘inhibited’.  In the love songs ‘You are my lady and I am your man’ and ‘Once, twice, three times a lady’, the man is certainly admiring the woman for her feminine qualities.  However, there is also an innate assumption that a ‘lady’ is sexually discriminating.  Naturally, there is no equivalent use of the term ‘gentleman’.  We respect a man regardless of (and sometimes because of) his enthusiasm for sex.

A young woman in her mid-twenties, invited some student friends for supper one evening and after the others had left, one young man simply went upstairs and got into her bed.  Renate did not know how to ask him to leave and so she had sex with him.  After having sex with a number of male friends at college, Renate found that even some of the men started treating her disrespectfully.  She could not understand the double standard.  If you doubt the existence of a double standard, consider the reasons why James Bond would lose appeal if he were happily married whereas the Charlie’s Angels are all engaged in committed relationships.  There is no such thing as a male slut no matter how much a man screws around.  There are many less flattering terms for women who are sexually willing and available.  Few of these terms have male equivalents since we accept that men are naturally inclined to be promiscuous.

Another factor is that since women do not have an equivalent of the ‘male sex drive’ they can be considered to be exploiting men’s vulnerability (especially when there is financial benefit involved).  So we despise a woman for being a prostitute but not a man who has sex with a prostitute.  Overall, women tend to be less easily tempted away by a passing pretty face or sexy figure.  Once a man has found the love of his life, he appreciates this quality in a woman.  In gaining her sexual acceptance, not only has he won something worth having but he is also more assured of her sexual loyalty.  He sees no contradiction in hoping his lover will be enthusiastic about engaging in sex with him but at the same time not wanting her to be so interested in sex in general that she might be sexually unfaithful.

Discovering masturbation

Given my reluctance to enter into casual sexual encounters, books were my main source of awareness of any sexual phenomenon.  I learned about female masturbation through reading since no other woman had ever discussed masturbation with me.  I felt no sense of needing to masturbate to release sexual tension.  I was merely vaguely curious about a phenomenon I had read about.  Occasionally I had experimented with touching my body, in the bath for instance, just to see if anything sexual might happen but it never did.  While staying out in France when I was seventeen, I had the privacy of my own bedroom for the first time.  One night while I was lying in bed contemplating sleep, I remember thinking idly about a sexy scenario and experimenting with placing the fingers of both hands on my vulva.  I discovered that I could generate arousal and orgasm using fantasy while simultaneously pressing down towards my clitoris in a gentle massaging rhythm.

I had read many books with a sexual angle before but it had never occurred to me to use the images from these books to create fantasies for masturbation.  By fantasy, I mean that I consciously focused on a clear mental image in my head of a sexual encounter either as I read an explicit passage from an erotic novel or simply by imagining such a scenario based on my reading.  It is perhaps worth saying that there is nothing overtly sexual about my experience of masturbation.  ‘Masturbation’ besides being an ugly word sounded too explicit to describe accurately my enjoyment of arousal and orgasm.  I have always referred euphemistically to ‘touching myself’.

Typically, I would masturbate in bed either on contemplating sleep or on waking.  Lying on my front, I rub down gently over the top of the general area of my clitoris.  I keep my eyes closed in order to focus on my fantasy scenario.  I have found that lying on my stomach with my hands nestled between my thighs is a naturally comforting position.  Whether I thought it worth the effort of arousing myself enough to enjoy orgasm or not, it felt natural to relax into sleep by gently rocking my hips from side to side. From this point on in my life, masturbation became a natural and innocent pleasure to be enjoyed in private.  Even when I was in a relationship, masturbation continued to be a private affair.  I was not ashamed of masturbating but someone else’s presence destroyed my absorption in my fantasy, which I needed in order to generate the level of arousal that could lead to orgasm.

Through my enjoyment of erotic novels, I had reached adulthood with a positive expectation for my sexual relationships.  Films I had seen as a teenager, such as ‘Love Story’ projected an image of the modern young couple, each with their independent lives but sharing friendship and a sexual relationship.  So I grew up assuming that it was implicit in a modern marriage that a man and a woman agree to become lovers for life.  I assumed that every young woman would want to enjoy both companionship and a sexual relationship with a lover.  However, one woman in her early thirties told me that she did not see the point in having a relationship with a man if there was no intention of having children.  It was a revelation to me that not every woman even in modern times has the ambition that I had to enjoy a sexual relationship with a partner.

As a teenager, I appreciated that mature adults generally had sex before marriage.  It was accepted that the decision to marry came later when a couple had confirmed that they shared common interests and life goals.  It appeared to be primarily in the context of young people, that society made an issue of sex before marriage.  However when you think about it, even in Shakespeare’s day it was accepted that a passionate love match would inevitably lead to sex.  In the play ‘Romeo and Juliet’ (written around 1595), we do not blame the young lovers for giving so little thought to the risks and morality of sex before marriage.  More recently, even before the availability of the contraceptive pill many couples of an older generation admit that they had sex before marriage.  The difference was that couples were quicker to marry.  The pill provided the opportunity for men and women to learn about each other before committing to marriage.

A virgin’s disappointment

At eighteen, I went out to Nice in the South of France to find some holiday work.  There was a crowd of young people staying for the season just looking for a good time.  This was the first time I heard men using derogatory terms such as ‘bit of stuff’ and ‘crumpet’.  Other women appeared to accept such banter as normal.  They would dress up and go to the nightclubs in Monte Carlo.  I was never tempted to join them since I was not remotely interested in dressing up to attract men.  I had already learned that men were likely to expect something in return for paying a woman's way and that something was likely to be sex.  My mother had advised me to respect a man’s sex drive.  She thought that young girls were often blissfully unaware of the strength of a man’s sexual urges.  She told me to be careful not to ‘prick tease’ as she saw other girls doing.  I was not interested in sexual conquests or ‘one night stands’.  So I was careful not to encourage a man to think that I was after a sexual liaison on a casual basis.

Early during my stay, I met my first boyfriend, David, who was a chef from Liverpool.  At twenty-two, he was four years older than I was.  I found myself attracted to David not just because he was good looking but also because he had a sense of ambition.  He was tanned that summer and his blond hair was bleached by the sun.  David evidently cared about his appearance.  His hair was permed and he wore expensive aftershave.  He had a sense of humour and I found him interesting to talk to. In fact, he had had plenty of practice chatting up girls.  David had grown up in the suburbs of Liverpool and was proud of being a Scouser.  He had spent his adult years drinking (‘bevies’ as he called them) in the pubs and happily taking up whatever opportunities he got for sex.  There seemed to be enough young women willing to drink with a man in a pub and then go home with him for sex.  Many of these experiences were ‘one-night stands’.  David had also had longer-term girlfriends.  One girl had rich parents and he told me the story of how they had once had sex in her parents’ sauna.

Late one evening, we were talking in David’s apartment and I decided that it was as good an opportunity as any to 'lose my virginity'.  I saw sex as part of a deeper and more caring adult relationship with someone I liked and found attractive.  It would have seemed prudish and old-fashioned to insist on a platonic relationship.  Although it was a momentous decision for me, I hoped simply for one of life’s more pleasant experiences.  Sadly, I was severely disappointed because absolutely nothing happened.  I was hardly aware of the moment of penetration and felt nothing from intercourse itself.  I was not even sure whether David had put his penis inside me or not.  I was anxiously waiting for him to put on a condom but it all seemed to be over and he had never used one.  He had withdrawn his penis just before ejaculating, leaving me anxious that I was exposed to the risk of pregnancy.  I had been too self-conscious to say that I expected him to wear a condom.  Imagine my feelings after all my sexual anticipation from my erotic reading and my experience of masturbation.

In reality, sex was much messier than I had imagined. Why does no one mention that the man’s spunk comes running out almost immediately after he has come?  In response to my comment that I had felt very little, David simply replied matter-of-factly that other virgins he had slept with had made the same comment. David evidently found sex highly pleasurable and I could only conclude that sex was much more important to men than it was to me.  The fact that I continued to get very little sensation or arousal from sex was never a topic of conversation between us.  In any event, my partner assumed that we would continue to have sex regardless of my response.  Once embarked on a sexual relationship, it seemed natural that I should respond to his demonstration of love by returning his kisses and accepting his body entering mine.

Accepting that sex did not include orgasm

The South of France was a romantic setting for my first serious relationship.  On his free days, David would borrow his boss’s open top sports car and we would drive along the coast feeling like millionaires.  That summer David was listening to the latest Rod Stewart album.  The songs suited the mood of the summer very aptly.  There were many young (and not so young) people engaged in mostly superficial sexual relationships.  Our relationship was serious but casual to the extent that we were both employed on holiday jobs for the summer.  We had sex at least once or twice a day.  The sex play was spontaneous and interactive because of the passion of a new relationship.  We were in love and I enjoyed the novelty of sharing close physical intimacy with a lover.

From all my reading, I was well aware of the techniques a woman could use to pleasure a man.  I was never bashful about taking the initiative or in taking an active role in pleasuring a lover.  Naturally, David attempted to pleasure me in a similar way by kissing and massaging my body.  However, I seemed to have zero response to stimulation in any part of my anatomy.  Disappointingly, oral sex did nothing for me and I have never found my breasts remotely responsive to erotic stimulation.  I concluded that I must be inhibited in some way perhaps because my upbringing had been unconventional or because I had had little exposure to boys during my adolescence.  Pleasing my partner was easy and since none of it moved me in the least, I resigned myself to the fact that our sex life focused on his arousal and orgasm.  I had no innate sense of pent up sex drive (as my partner obviously did) and so I had no corresponding sense of sexual frustration.  Given that I had no absolute need for sexual release, our sex life was able to continue despite the absence of my arousal and orgasm.

After our return to the UK, David and I bought a house and lived together.  Sex was something that happened whenever David pressed and when I found it was difficult to say “no”.  I became used to being a bystander in our sex life and wishing that intercourse would not last any longer than absolutely necessary.  Looking back, I think I found it possible to accept the situation even if very reluctantly because everything I had read and seen in real life indicated men’s greater sexual motivation.  Apart from a minority of women who appeared to enjoy flaunting their sexual conquests, my observation was that most women were relatively quiet in expressing their sexual interest (compared with men).  Whether in fiction or in true-life, a woman’s ‘sexual success’ was more evident through her ability to attract and keep a successful man who could provide for her and a family.  My suspicions flipped from thinking I was abnormal to accepting that sex was inherently less exciting for women.  Even so, I continued to hope that something might mysteriously improve over time.

I lived with my first boyfriend for two years despite having quite different interests and life ambitions.  On splitting up with him, I rejoiced in being single again.  How civilised it was to live your own life and follow your own interests without having to check with someone else first.  Love excuses all the arguments and all the differences, both in sexual interest and in general interests.  As soon as you cease being ‘in love’ many restrictions that you would otherwise not question become a burden.  How much better it was not to be committed to sexual interaction that offered little pleasure and plenty of personal inconveniences!  At twenty, I felt that it was much more sensible to be single.  It was marvellous to have my bed and my body to myself again.

Summary

·        My adolescent hopes (fuelled by erotic fiction and the ease of orgasm through masturbation) were that I would find sex to be as pleasurable as men.

·        I did not find this to be the case and this chapter proposes that men and women react differently in reality.

·        It was not apparent to me how I could use my ability to orgasm through masturbation during sex with a partner, since the two experiences were quite different.

·        Given there were no easy solutions to my dilemma my partner’s desire for sex was the main driver for our sexual relationship from the beginning.

2.                APPRECIATING WOMEN’S SEXUAL ROLE

 ‘Sex for fun’ - why not?

In the early days of a romance, I have certainly found it possible to enjoy being swept along with a man’s sexual passion with no particular sense of frustration that orgasm was missing.  Laura, an attractive and spirited woman in her early thirties, told me that she had never had an orgasm during sex.  Then she went on to describe some of her sexual encounters as ‘totally amazing’.  I had to do a reality check.  Were we still talking about the same person and a total lack of orgasm?  Laura did not see any contradiction in the two pictures she presented of her experience.  She explained that sex with a man was about personal chemistry.  Laura found that being the object of a man’s sexual arousal and orgasm made sex exhilarating.  Sex can be arousing by feeding a woman’s vanity.  Rather like driving a fast car, exhilarating and fun.

Six months after splitting up with my first boyfriend, I went on my own to Rome for a three-week holiday to learn Italian.  Early in my stay, I met an Italian who made an obvious pass at me and we became friends.  We got on well together immediately but there was no real prospect of a long-term relationship.  We were both studying in different countries and he already had a girl friend.  However, Alfredo said that he and his girlfriend had an open relationship so that each of them was free to have other sexual relationships.  I was staying in a women’s hostel and one night I missed the curfew.  Alfredo offered to let me sleep at his flat and suggested that I could share his bed on a platonic basis.  After a little reflection I decided that if he was confident in suggesting platonic intimacy then, as a ‘modern’ woman, I had no more need to be coy than a man would be if the situation were reversed.  It was surprisingly sexy to share a bed with an attractive man with no sexual angle.

Afterwards I decided that I was mature enough to have a casual affair.  I was attracted to Alfredo but it was very much a conscious decision on my part to see what it would be like to have a relatively casual approach to a sexual relationship.  So we spent the remaining two weeks of my holiday together as friends and lovers.  Even though I no longer expected sex to be arousing or to include orgasm, I found the prospect of a sexual relationship exciting.  Alfredo was good company and attentive to his looks.  He was slim and he dressed well.  During the day, he often wore sunglasses and sometimes in the evening, he wore eyeliner.  Why not, I thought?  It was fun to be together as a couple among his friends.  Sex adds something to a relationship.  It certainly makes them more emotional and difficult to handle.  I had become accustomed to the familiarity of sex with a regular partner.  It was interesting to experience different approaches to sex. Alfredo was good with his hands.  He succeeded in arousing me through clitoral stimulation and this fuelled the hope that I might one day learn how to orgasm during sex with a partner.

In my final year at college, I shared accommodation with six other female students. Two of the young women were always entertaining young men in their rooms.  The rest of us assumed that they must have been having sex with at least some of the stream of men who came through our flat.  My impression at the time was that I rarely saw the same man twice but perhaps I was not looking very carefully.  It seemed unlikely to me that these women were seeking to satisfy any sexual need since it is difficult for a woman to achieve physical satisfaction (including orgasm) from a casual sexual encounter with a man.  Most women need a stable relationship in which there is a high degree of trust and good communication in order to experience good sex.  I certainly question whether such women are looking to dissipate sexual frustration in the way that men need to.  One-night stands can only be fuelling a woman’s ego and satisfying her vanity.  My conclusion was not that they obtained sexual satisfaction from these men but that they enjoyed being so popular.  Ironically, young women often lack confidence and can see sex as a means of confirming their worth as individuals.

Women enjoy their ability to attract a man’s attention

When girls become women, they learn that men's response to their body provides them with a tremendous advantage in earning easy admiration.  I tried plucking my eyebrows when I was a teenager. It hurt like hell and I decided it was too barbaric to try ever again.  Why do women go through such pain in order to enhance their attractiveness?  My observation of being female is that I have often felt that my looks define the way that the world treats me.  Men might worry about losing their sexual ‘performance’ as they grow older.  My own priorities centre on my ability to remain attractive to the men rather than on my ability to become aroused or achieve orgasm.  Once when I appeared in a dress a male acquaintance in his late sixties, said to me, “Well, it’s nice to see that you have legs!” Few men ever give fashion a passing thought but there is a social expectation that a woman should make herself attractive to men.

A woman in her late forties told me how she once wore a cleavage-enhancing bra to a social event.  She was surprised when a male acquaintance who had never before given her even a passing glance spent the whole evening talking to her.  She was not naïve enough to think that her popularity was totally unrelated to his appreciation of her cleavage but she was still flattered that he had noticed. Heterosexual men enjoy looking at women’s bodies.  They also love the physical sensations of the touch and feel of their lover’s body. Hairless skin is more sensual than hairy skin and explains why women remove body hair and wear nylons. Women might think they dress for themselves but we are in fact competing with each other for the special attention that men give attractive women.  In turn, heterosexual men enjoy the innocent pleasure of their easy arousal when in the company of an attractive woman.

In my late twenties I stayed alone in a hostel in Manhattan.  I dressed as usual in casual jeans and a tee shirt, passing freely without heckling as an attractive single woman.  Another young woman staying at the hostel dressed in short skirts, low cut blouses and wore heavy make up.  She complained about the difficulty she encountered every time she came and went from the hostel.  There was no doubt she was pretty but her choice of presentation could only enhance her appeal to men.  I realise now that I was fortunate to be naturally attractive.  Some women feel more obliged to enhance their natural looks.  Others are keen to capitalise on every advantage they can in the sexual politics of adult life.  I was confident that a man I would want as a companion would accept me as I was.  I thought it merely a nuisance to have unwanted attention from men with whom I was not intending to become intimate.

Of course, I wondered whether I was inhibited.  However, I also thought it possible that other women were being more sexually sophisticated or manipulative of the situation. In the film ‘Dangerous Liaisons’ Glenn Close asserts that women’s role in sex is to manipulate men.  Women have emotional control over men through sex just because men want sex so intensely.  Equally, women have that power because they do not themselves need sex to the same extent.  It explains why men accept paying a woman’s way when few women would consider paying for a man.  Throughout history, women have gained from exploiting this vulnerability in men.  They have learned that to co-operate with a man’s desire for sex and to be sexually appreciative towards a man gives a woman a strong emotional advantage in the relationship.  I have often wondered whether sex is one big bluff as far as women are concerned.  Some of the bluff is innocent and some is more manipulative.

Faking

The whole faking phenomenon of modern times is just one of the many clues indicating that other women do have the same problem with intercourse that I have experienced.  One reason that is suggested for why women fake orgasms is that women are afraid of being labelled frigid.  Another reason is that women fear upsetting their partner.  Men can and do fake orgasm to save face but rather like foreplay, faking is very much associated with women.  To my mind, there is an implication that a woman who fakes orgasm is closer to achieving the real thing than a woman who admits openly that she cannot orgasm at all.  In fact, these two scenarios amount to the same result that the woman does not experience orgasm during intercourse.  Perhaps we attribute some kind of bravado to the deceit because we feel that women who fake are only faking part of the time or are sexually experienced enough to know how to fake.

Given that I typically have no physical response to intercourse, the obvious option is to lie inert while the man enjoys his own stimulation from thrusting.  My experience is that if a woman takes up this passive stance, intercourse quickly degenerates into a one-sided act that is humiliating for both lovers.  Women tend to co-operate quite instinctively during intercourse by moving with the man’s rhythm, for example.  Sometimes a woman may also caress her lover’s body or make encouraging noises to enhance the man’s arousal.  I have never felt the need to fake an orgasm but I have exaggerated my sensual response during sex with a partner.  Making effort to be more involved in ‘love-making’ reduces the sense of uselessness that arises from participating in a sexual act in which I am merely a bystander.

On a more positive note, I have also put effort into responding sensually and lovingly because I knew that it would pleasure my partner.  I enjoyed giving pleasure to my lover and demonstrating my love for him.  I had grown up with affectionate relationships with both of my parents.  It seemed very natural to me to be demonstratively affectionate with someone I loved.  When I fell in love with a man, I naturally responded in a similarly affectionate manner.  As part of a loving relationship, my partners have wanted to demonstrate affection by hugging, kissing and generally touching my body.  Naturally, they enjoy it when I respond by returning a similar level of physical fondling of their body. Thereafter the follow through to intercourse and male orgasm is from their perspective an inevitable conclusion to close physical contact with someone they love.  I accepted this and did not withdraw my affection even though I did not personally want sex on each occasion.

If a woman lies inert during intercourse, this quickly leads to the man having difficulty with arousal and orgasm.  A man who is highly sexual but cannot find sexual relief is, in my opinion, unbearable to live with.  It is easier to assist him with orgasm by playing along a little with his fantasy of a sexually responsive partner.  I had read enough about male performance problems to realise that men needed encouragement from a sexual partner.  The suggestion is that if a woman is too assertive she might undermine a man’s sex drive.  His ego and his fantasies need to be bolstered up by a partner who should be supportive and encouraging of her partner’s sexuality. Consequently, over the years despite my lack of arousal, I have made the best of sex in order to satisfy my partner’s evident sexual frustration. 

The popular culture of portraying sex as a mutually arousing activity fuelled my sense of obligation to provide my partner with an active sex life. So that even when sex in reality did not turn out to be arousing I felt obliged to continue making effort in my sexual relationship or risk being categorised in my own eyes as a ‘sexless’ person.  This was partly because I felt that it was my personal failing that I could get nothing from intercourse.  Also I implicitly accepted the need for a woman to provide a partner with a sexual outlet on the basis that he would otherwise be unfairly deprived. 

Women remain more accountable for reproductive risk

Recently in the UK, there was uproar over doctors prescribing contraceptives to fourteen-year-old girls (under UK law it is illegal for children under sixteen to have sex).  I do not support underage sex but I wondered why we are so reluctant to offer girls the same sexual freedom that boys have naturally.  Perhaps the issue is that for girls, sex is strongly associated with family.  We attempt to protect girls for as long as possible from putting their relationship and family before any ambitions they might have for their own personal achievements.  Surely, one of the best arguments to persuade teenage girls to wait for sex is to tell them how difficult it is for women to enjoy the same ease of arousal and orgasm that men obtain from a sexual relationship.  However, many young women are not desperate for sexual pleasure.  They are more likely to hope for the unconditional love and the sense of purpose that women get from children of their own.

After starting a sexual relationship with my first boyfriend David in the South of France, I was relieved to have survived the summer without becoming pregnant.  As soon as I returned home, it was high on my agenda to visit the doctor and get a prescription for the contraceptive pill.  I booked an appointment with the doctor and felt understandably nervous as I faced this fifty-year-old man I had never met before.  I thought that the embarrassing procedure would be automatic.  I would ask for a prescription and he would give me one.

However, the doctor told me his belief that giving young women the pill encouraged, what he termed, the Friday night syndrome, where young women are free to have sex with just anyone.  I felt humiliated and outraged that as an adult (I was eighteen) my morality was being questioned especially when young men are never asked to justify their sexual activity.  I explained that I had met David a couple of months previously and that I did not intend having sex with anyone else.  There was no point in arguing the right of the doctor to question my request for reliable contraception.  I wanted to leave the surgery knowing that I could put myself in a safe position in sex.  I said as little as possible and he eventually provided the prescription.  (Amazingly, twenty years later I faced a second Spanish inquisition with a different doctor during an appointment to have the coil removed.  I was slightly bemused that even in my late thirties (after being married for fifteen years and having three children) I was still required to confirm my sexual partners in case I was risking an unwanted pregnancy.)

In the early days of my sexual relationships, we had relied on condoms.  However, condoms were not popular with my partners and they preferred to use a high-risk withdrawal technique.  They found that condoms reduced the physical stimulation of intercourse to almost zero and hence it took them much longer to reach orgasm.  Sex involved considerable trust that despite his need for sexual release my partner would care enough about my position.  In the early weeks of each of my sexual relationships, I felt uneasy about having sex outside the moral security of marriage.  I had decided that I was not ready to become a parent.  Neither did I want to risk my education at college or my early working career.  It was very clear to me that the responsibility for contraception rested with me.  I would have to bear the personal responsibility of either having an abortion or having the baby.

I have come to realise that the problem in being female is not simply the obvious practical risks associated with abortion or even pregnancy and childbirth.  The real burden is the implicit responsibility a woman has for a child’s life.  Even today, we expect the woman to care for the child not the man.  This responsibility is likely to change her life completely, which is fine if she is happy with that.  For me it would have been disastrous.  Although abortion is presented as an advantage for women, it is also women, and not men, who are blamed for abortion.  Even once I was on the pill, I worried constantly that my protection might be weakened by taking the pill late or by drinking too much alcohol.  I never believed that my partners identified with the risks of pregnancy.  Either they did not think about it at all or they saw it purely from a male perspective, in terms of being required to support a family financially.

Why I invested in my sexual relationship

When I was twenty-one, I went out to work in France for the summer.  I met Peter there and we fell in love soon after we met.  I was impressed with his academic achievements.  I was also attracted to his boyish face and rake-like figure.  With ingenuous charm, he told me that he preferred women with personality rather than looks.  I teased him that such a line was hardly likely to be a winner with women.  One night I locked myself out of my room and Peter chivalrously offered me his floor to sleep on.  I liked his naïve openness and his willingness to be generous even without a direct sexual payback.  This time I was keen to be morally responsible and develop a platonic friendship.  Since I had had so little pleasure (and much inconvenience) from sex with my first partner, I was not in a hurry to enter a new sexual relationship.

I thought it would be better to know a man as a friend before we got on to exploring how sex could be more mutually enjoyable.  Unfortunately, Peter as a virgin was not in a position to appreciate my perspective.  He was naturally curious about sex and assumed that I would want him to be the enthusiastic lover.  Soon after meeting, I found myself unwillingly accepting that sex had to accompany any intimate relationship with a man.  Having started a sexual relationship it appeared to be a given that I would participate in intercourse as often as my partner wanted.  I accepted non-orgasmic sex because I could not see any alternative, other than terminating the relationship.

As with my earlier relationships, I was open about my lack of response to sex.  My partner simply accepted that sex did nothing for me but never questioned that our sexual relationship should continue despite the risks for me.  After the first romantic months, sex drifted easily into various ruts.  We had sex on a weekly basis without moving forward greatly from our starting position.  I continued to be severely disappointed that sex was non-orgasmic but there did not seem to be anything I could do about it.  I would have readily accepted some explanation but there was none to be had.  I continued to buy and read sex manuals but all the indications were that adults of both sexes could hope to enjoy mutually rewarding sexual relationships.

Not only did sex do little for me, it involved me in risking pregnancy despite the inconvenience and health risks of taking the pill.  I resented the personal effort I had to invest in contraception when my partner was not required to do anything.  It seemed unfair that my partner had all the pleasure while I suffered the risks and personal embarrassments.  During my twenties, I frequently found intercourse painful.  We always used a vaginal lubricant, which made intercourse possible but did not remove the discomfort.  I also had thrush frequently and cystitis a couple of times.  The visits to the doctor were mortifying because of the personal nature of the infection.  Doctor’s visits also meant that I was obliged to acknowledge my sexual activity publicly in a way men rarely have to do.  It might sound ungrateful to an older generation but the new sexual freedoms did not present the rewards I had been lead to expect.

So why did I accept the situation?  I suggest there were a variety of reasons.  I felt that it was my fault that I could not naturally enjoy sex as my partner did.  I always hoped that one day I would be able to orgasm during sex with a partner.  I did not think that I could reasonably expect my partner to wait years until I could get something from sex.  Since my partner appeared unable to empathise with my situation (both my low arousal as well as the personal risks and humiliations) there appeared to be no other way to have an affectionate and caring relationship with a man.

Summary

·        This chapter explores women’s sexual role and attempts to explain why women might engage in sex without orgasm.

·        Sex is likely to be different for a woman because sex involves her in more risk.

·        Women also need to offer a mate enough sex to stop him wandering off with someone more amenable.

·        Sex can be fun even without orgasm if a woman appreciates being able to excite a man sexually.